Sign, Sign, Everywhere a Sign?

My TAC placement is scheduled for tomorrow. I am nervous about having my stomach cut open and the recovery associated with major abdominal surgery. To complicate things, Precious Miracle is having some respiratory issues and is requiring oxygen treatment. I am uneasy about leaving her while she is sick.

This surgery is huge for me and for us with regards to our family planning. This surgery means that we are going to have another baby. Precious Miracle will be a big sister. This surgery really stands for so much. There was a different excitement associated with the idea of getting a TAC placed. It was a joyous anticipation of what would be. Now I am there and tomorrow, there is no turning back.

For my own records (since journaling by hand is a thing of the past for me) I wanted to track the markers leading up to this surgery...

On Thursday, I went for my preadmission blood work. I stopped in at Quest Labs next to Hubby's office. There was one other patient in the temporary lab space and one lab tech. They were in the process of moving to a newer space within the same building so the current accommodations were not very appealing. There were three magazines haphazardly strewn on square tables placed around the room as end tables. These magazines were all about hunting and fishing. Now, being located in Devon, I didn't necessarily think the clientele of this lab would enjoy reading about taxidermy. Well I couldn't have been more wrong. Two men walked in behind me talking about the elk they just shot and some other animal who was having it's skull stuffed and hide turned into a rug as we stood there. I had to laugh to myself.

The lab tech, Mrs. Cooper, was a gruff woman who gave me a hard time about the lack of diagnosis code on my lab slip. She called Dr. Davis' office with an attitude and demanded to speak with him directly. She proceeded to tell him that he was very bad and it was very wrong of him to omit this very important bit of information. "I'm gonna have to spank you", she said with authority. I almost fell over. The conversation continued on for several more moments. Ages were exchanged and Mrs. Cooper's war stories from Vietnam were told.

Dr. Davis then asked to speak with me. He told me to arrive on Monday at 11:00 a.m., that my surgery was scheduled for early afternoon. Ughhh, no food after midnight? How am I going to last for over 12 hours? He then instructed me to bring my pillow as hospital pillows, "aren't very nice" and "comfy pajamas" to wear the next day instead of "that gown the hospital gives you".

As my blood was drawn, I realized I could still back out. I walked out to the car and reiterated my experience to Hubby adding, "I'm starting to get nervous". Precious Miracle was in the car too. She had just had her final dose of Synagis. "But I want her to have a sibling", I thought to myself.

On Friday afternoon around 4:45, I checked my messages at home while on the road. The hospital had called with some preadmission questions for me to answer. I quickly called back asking for Lisa wondering if by missing this call, I would have to postpone Monday. Well, a woman by the name of Charlotte answered the phone. Lisa was no longer in the office so Charlotte took over my file. My nerves were acting up again as I wondered if I was doing the right thing. I told Charlotte my story, complimented her on her beautiful name (she told me she is trying to get her children to name their children Charlotte) and told her that speaking to her put my nerves at ease - for those who know my Precious Miracle, you know why!

Moving on to Saturday, I grabbed the mail to find a preauthorization from Blue Cross for my TAC placement. I later came to find out that the TAC runs about $25K. In contrast to the multi-million dollar NICU stay a micro-preemie requires, $25K is a drop in the bucket. They were smart to cover it and perhaps, it was another "sign" that I was moving in the right direction.

As I sit here Sunday night, well technically, Monday morning, I must admit my stomach is turning. I am hungry but can't seem to eat. My last official pre-TAC meal was a surprise plate of meatloaf and mashed potatoes. I should've had a third helping!

My body will no longer be the body that it is - the body that failed my beautiful daughter. I thought today how much more guilt I would have if Precious Miracle didn't do as well as she has. We are truly blessed. I feel that I never take that for granted. I thank God daily - several times a day - for what He has gifted our family with. Am I greedy to think that He will abundantly bless us again? My prayer is for healthy babies, healthy children.